narcolepsy

i am extremely failing at this whole blogging business.

actually i am just failing a lot lately in general. lately i've been suffering from narcolepsy. yes, i fall asleep at random times during the day even when i don't mean to. i'm such a big time waster! it makes me kind of sad really. there's so much i want to do in life, but i'm wasting it awayyyy. sighs.

i feel like i did have a lot to say, but i forgot it all. hopefully next time there'll be more.

strange dream

two boys (whose names i won't mention) came to my house one day. apparently legos have taken absurdity to a new level: they legofied starcraft units. weird.

anyway. these two boys wanted to play lego starcraft during their visit to my house for reasons unknown. each lego unit is roughly the size of a book, and someone had the bright idea to stake them down into the wooden floor in my family room. they did it before i came downstairs and saw them.

and my reaction is something like.. "WHAT THE HECK??" these floors now have GIANT HOLES in them! and exaggeratedly large too, for some odd reason. each hole was large enough to stick a thick pole into. but my parents were chill about it. one of the holes was actually much larger than all the others; upon further inspection, it led into a large underground basement that none of us except my father knew about. we had no idea what was down there, so we didn't pursue any further, understanding that our house had extremely complex systems that could literally kill you.

for example, my attic is still being explored. after discovering the entrance, my father and i would make periodic voyages though the complex tunnel systems that lead to unknown places. there are many forks--and over the years, we have tried to map it out as we go. the farthest voyage we have taken lasted three hours before finally turning back.

in each of my return trips (often on my own), i have never discovered an exit. i would sometimes hear strange noises; at times like these, i would hide, unsure of what may be coming my direction. i thought that maybe they were explorers like me, but i have never seen them.

so anyway, we were rather unsure of what to do with the basement so we left it alone. i took note that i would explore it sometime later. we decided to take our game outside into our exercise court. there was a giant chess set available there (though oddly, i only counted a single pawn on both sides), and so we just used those as starcraft unit substitutes.

fights

i think i know why i'm able to be so heartless as to pursue and kill an argument despite being so sensitive now. it must be because of my mother.

my dad and my sister both say i have my mom's favor. well, i say not really. i've just closed up my heart so much after so many years of arguments that i honestly don't care if she gets mad at me anymore. it used to be that she would yell at me and i would feel bad, but it's not really that way now at nineteen years old. she can yell all she wants now, and i just won't care cause i've learned that it's impossible to win. there are only two options: either submit and let her think she's right, or keep yelling back until she stops. both my sister and my father are afraid of her, so they let her do whatever she wants, but i'm different. i let her get mad at me cause she's going to give me whatever the max sentence is anyway, but i don't let her win. i don't give up cause somebody's got to let her know that she can't control everything just because she's the big boss.

just for reference, one time she came into my room while i was sleeping, woke me up and yelled at me and told me to go to sleep. i was only half-awake when it happened, and then i went back to sleep. yeah that was weird.

unforeseen circumstances

things are not going the way i planned it out to be.

for senior retreat, that's a huge blessing.

for everything else, it's a major toll.

final final

God's blessed me so much this year.

And He's blessed me by finally ending it.

Still, though it's been a torturous struggle all the way through the quarter, God's really been making me grow. I can't really see it from my POV, but I'm certain that I have.

Alas! The last final is in ~36 hours! Despite probably being my most important final, I feel so relaxed right now (rather than stressed, as I was for AIDS final). It feels like it's already over. A year-long struggle. But looking back at the memories, God's always pulled me through over and over again, and why not rely on His grace once again?

I will update more during the summer, as I have no excuses anymore. No 20+ page lab reports, no ultra-cramming for physics quizzes, and (most wonderfully) no more DOC essays forever.

peace at last, for a while

apparently after hell week comes a time of week-long peace. i don't understand why everything was crammed into that one week, but this week sure was tame. and of course, i returned back to my old, daily routines. except for one thing: i have a tendency to not wake up and skip physics and doc now. well, at least i've forced myself to get back on track with doc, but physics is just too early.. hmm i wonder what i can do.

in other news, i finally got caught for skipping work. not that i didn't see it coming--it was bound to happen sometime--but i sure hit me a lot harder than i thought it would. oh yeah, i know why. cause i realized that i don't have integrity and that i'm really a coward who doesn't want to face consequences. i lied about studying for a nonexistent midterm to make it seem less severe. a one time thing. yet, i can't help but wonder if they suspect my chronic skipping tendencies.

i guess i've always justified by saying stuff like i work harder and more efficiently than the others (true statement), and i really don't need this job so badly that i would mind being fired. well, i guess i do, much more than i thought, because 1) i want to finish with a recommendation letter and 2) i want to maintain a good, friendly relationship with the staff there. actually, it's mostly reason number two--mainly for keeping my own soul intact. i can't bear the thought of ending relationships with good people in a sour way. that's happened before, and i never want it to happen again.

well, the first mistake is always a warning. perhaps a seed of distrust. that just means that i'll have to work super hard to earn it back--on time/early and extended hours just like how i did it before during winter quarter.

today is the start of memorial weekend. whenever i'm at home, i feel extremely lazy and totally lose the will/drive to work. sleep/tv/eat is okay. church is okay. but study? impossible. but! this weekend i will have to do the impossible if i am to survive my finals. just keep looking ahead at the end--summer is almost here! (albeit summer school)

oh, one last note. huge recommendation for the anime airing this season called angel beats! (yes, the exclamation mark is part of the name). it has great comedy that will keep you laughing the entire way though, and an incredible and mysterious storyline that keeps getting better as it develops. very much my type of anime; it switches between moods swiftly and keeps you on your toes. not to mention the artwork is a definite A+, very similar to other works by key. if you like something emotional, out-of-the-ordinary, funny, dramatic, visually-stunning... give it a try and tell me what you think, yeah?

hell week

a quarter. a whole freaking quarter. i say quarter cause i've lost track of what week i'm on. i just know the end is near, and couldn't come sooner. every day is killing me faster. who knew that college would be as devastating as high school life was? my confidence shattered, my youth lost, my life expended.

i haven't updated in an extraordinarily long time, against my goals to update multiple times per week. i just can't seem to live up to my own expectations.

this week is what i call "hell week." i knew what was coming, really, and all i could do was brace for impact. now i'm in the midst of it. chem and phys lab report due thurs. physics quiz due fri. doc paper due mon. another chem lab report due next tues.

and all i've done is sixteen pages of an endless report not worth my time. i really need to step it up somehow. God help me through the next 24hrs x 7d.