study mode

my world has gone back into hardcore study mode.

sighs. not again. just what i didn't want for this quarter.

oh well. work life has turned around for the better. not like the hectic mess i was in last quarter. having a full-time staff around has made life so, so much easier. these last three weeks, i've only been doing like a third or a quarter of what i used to do--simply because my fellow co-workers are actually doing what they're supposed to do. i had to do so much to fill in for our team's incompetency and lack of a system that i almost felt as though i was giving up my time to provide for my co-workers wages. no wonder i felt like giving up. no wonder i felt like quitting.

ochem is killer. ochem is more intense than any other class i've taken at ucsd. true, i like the professor's lucid lectures, but the process of becoming the elite erudite is really beginning to take a toll on me. it's definitely amounting to two class's worth of time at the very least.

public health, on the other hand, is so incredibly lax that the midterm's going to be incredibly enigmatic. i'm so ill-prepared and unsure as to whether i can really pull off a good enough exam score--sleeping through class and reading close to nothing. i have three days to read eleven chapters.

to add to the pressure, both of these class's midterms will fall on tuesday.

it's stressful times like these that God reminds me how much He wants me to trust Him. always. every time. Jesus, i need You. i need You more than ever.

home again

first post since i've come back from china. i need to get back into the blogging business. i also need to finish my china blog at the same time, so i guess i got a lot to do! wildernessexplorer.wordpress.com.

while i was there, i contacted quite a few of my old ccvs from two years ago. they're all over the place now, mostly off doing work and such and such. chatting with them about old memories and current life has made me realize how much i've missed them. it's really made me see china as a secondary home, a place i belong to.

and talking to the students in lanzhou have made me realize that i really really miss them over there. my one regret for this trip is not heading over to lanzhou after xi'an, where plane tickets are cheap and a train ride isn't too far. i've been in contact with a high school student named star, who was extremely surprised and excited to hear me talk to him. i'm actually really happy i got to talk to him; from him, i can see the lasting impact TGA has on these bright young kids. for a while afterwards, i've really questioned whether TGA's method of teaching really made a difference in these children's lives, but now i see the fruits of our labor. star has entered into a college in lanzhou--a feat by which i've heard is achieved by students by a number countable on a single hand. even more importantly, we've given him a glimpse of God's will on this earth, and he's really recognized that very fact.

now that i'm back at home, i've made a commitment to contact my students in lanzhou even after a period of nearly a year and a half of no communication. friday night's call was to a girl named julia who is now taking her first year in high school. contrary to what i'd think, she holds no resentment towards me for not calling her. we talked about little trivial things, but it filled me with so much joy. one thing's for sure: i'll be making a lot of calls into china in the future, along with a visit to lanzhou probably sometime next year (esp if i study abroad at HKU).

it's strange to think that God's given me such a heart for china though i've always called myself a global citizen. perhaps that's the real reason he gave me the gift of mandarin--to be able to use to impact lives. the past few days have made me feel slightly depressed over little things, but thinking about all the people who love and support me from around the world has helped to eliminate these feelings of discontentment.

narcolepsy

i am extremely failing at this whole blogging business.

actually i am just failing a lot lately in general. lately i've been suffering from narcolepsy. yes, i fall asleep at random times during the day even when i don't mean to. i'm such a big time waster! it makes me kind of sad really. there's so much i want to do in life, but i'm wasting it awayyyy. sighs.

i feel like i did have a lot to say, but i forgot it all. hopefully next time there'll be more.

strange dream

two boys (whose names i won't mention) came to my house one day. apparently legos have taken absurdity to a new level: they legofied starcraft units. weird.

anyway. these two boys wanted to play lego starcraft during their visit to my house for reasons unknown. each lego unit is roughly the size of a book, and someone had the bright idea to stake them down into the wooden floor in my family room. they did it before i came downstairs and saw them.

and my reaction is something like.. "WHAT THE HECK??" these floors now have GIANT HOLES in them! and exaggeratedly large too, for some odd reason. each hole was large enough to stick a thick pole into. but my parents were chill about it. one of the holes was actually much larger than all the others; upon further inspection, it led into a large underground basement that none of us except my father knew about. we had no idea what was down there, so we didn't pursue any further, understanding that our house had extremely complex systems that could literally kill you.

for example, my attic is still being explored. after discovering the entrance, my father and i would make periodic voyages though the complex tunnel systems that lead to unknown places. there are many forks--and over the years, we have tried to map it out as we go. the farthest voyage we have taken lasted three hours before finally turning back.

in each of my return trips (often on my own), i have never discovered an exit. i would sometimes hear strange noises; at times like these, i would hide, unsure of what may be coming my direction. i thought that maybe they were explorers like me, but i have never seen them.

so anyway, we were rather unsure of what to do with the basement so we left it alone. i took note that i would explore it sometime later. we decided to take our game outside into our exercise court. there was a giant chess set available there (though oddly, i only counted a single pawn on both sides), and so we just used those as starcraft unit substitutes.

fights

i think i know why i'm able to be so heartless as to pursue and kill an argument despite being so sensitive now. it must be because of my mother.

my dad and my sister both say i have my mom's favor. well, i say not really. i've just closed up my heart so much after so many years of arguments that i honestly don't care if she gets mad at me anymore. it used to be that she would yell at me and i would feel bad, but it's not really that way now at nineteen years old. she can yell all she wants now, and i just won't care cause i've learned that it's impossible to win. there are only two options: either submit and let her think she's right, or keep yelling back until she stops. both my sister and my father are afraid of her, so they let her do whatever she wants, but i'm different. i let her get mad at me cause she's going to give me whatever the max sentence is anyway, but i don't let her win. i don't give up cause somebody's got to let her know that she can't control everything just because she's the big boss.

just for reference, one time she came into my room while i was sleeping, woke me up and yelled at me and told me to go to sleep. i was only half-awake when it happened, and then i went back to sleep. yeah that was weird.

unforeseen circumstances

things are not going the way i planned it out to be.

for senior retreat, that's a huge blessing.

for everything else, it's a major toll.

final final

God's blessed me so much this year.

And He's blessed me by finally ending it.

Still, though it's been a torturous struggle all the way through the quarter, God's really been making me grow. I can't really see it from my POV, but I'm certain that I have.

Alas! The last final is in ~36 hours! Despite probably being my most important final, I feel so relaxed right now (rather than stressed, as I was for AIDS final). It feels like it's already over. A year-long struggle. But looking back at the memories, God's always pulled me through over and over again, and why not rely on His grace once again?

I will update more during the summer, as I have no excuses anymore. No 20+ page lab reports, no ultra-cramming for physics quizzes, and (most wonderfully) no more DOC essays forever.