2 hours later: Before I had the chance to post, I went out for a run at Stanley Ho Sports Center. I'm glad I did, because it helped me to overcome my "low." Sometimes it's better not to think too much, and just do. Life is strange.
Monday, October 7, 2013
abandonment issues
I'm realizing more and more that I have abandonment issues. I never really had a big problem with being alone in the past two years, but living abroad seems to create a larger psychological toll. After traveling around with exchange friends for the past month, I'm feeling a significant "rebound effect" whenever I'm by myself and have nothing to do. That feeling of "aloneness" after knowing what it's like to not be alone.. it's a strange feeling.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
passion
I just wanted to say.. I'm jealous of people who have passion.
Despite whether they succeed or not.
Despite how ridiculous it might be to have dreams.
People that know what they love to do, and do what they love, those are the people I admire the most.
My wild expedition to Hong Kong begins in three days. Shall I start a new travel blog, and take you with me on this magnificent journey?
Despite whether they succeed or not.
Despite how ridiculous it might be to have dreams.
People that know what they love to do, and do what they love, those are the people I admire the most.
My wild expedition to Hong Kong begins in three days. Shall I start a new travel blog, and take you with me on this magnificent journey?
Thursday, March 21, 2013
confidence issues
Well, blogging every week didn't work.. back to once a month. Or rather just whenever I feel like it. (I'll definitely pick up once school ends!)
Last month's post was a truly sincere and profound post, where I came to terms with where I am with life and the direction I'm taking. It's felt like a huge burden has been lifted, knowing that the pressure of success is not as important to my future aspirations as I had perceived it to be in the past two years.
I'm also starting to understand that I have huge confidence issues. For the past year and a half, I've periodically felt depressed at my utter uselessness and inability to succeed. On Saturday, my sister really kicked me hard to pursue an internship; she helped me to realize just how poor of a job I was doing. I'm pretty envious of her ability to win at life, and I really do think it has to do with attitude. Then, yesterday I met up with Jason at his apartment for the first time in years and learned about his passions in life (which are surprisingly similar to mine). The big difference though is that he seems to have the will to succeed it--I can really picture him going out into the world and making a difference.
I guess what it comes down to is desperation and motivation. I can't let my insecurities get in the way of my aspirations; I just need to go out and do it, no matter what others think of me. I simply won't allow myself to get stuck and backslide rather than move forward.
Last month's post was a truly sincere and profound post, where I came to terms with where I am with life and the direction I'm taking. It's felt like a huge burden has been lifted, knowing that the pressure of success is not as important to my future aspirations as I had perceived it to be in the past two years.
I'm also starting to understand that I have huge confidence issues. For the past year and a half, I've periodically felt depressed at my utter uselessness and inability to succeed. On Saturday, my sister really kicked me hard to pursue an internship; she helped me to realize just how poor of a job I was doing. I'm pretty envious of her ability to win at life, and I really do think it has to do with attitude. Then, yesterday I met up with Jason at his apartment for the first time in years and learned about his passions in life (which are surprisingly similar to mine). The big difference though is that he seems to have the will to succeed it--I can really picture him going out into the world and making a difference.
I guess what it comes down to is desperation and motivation. I can't let my insecurities get in the way of my aspirations; I just need to go out and do it, no matter what others think of me. I simply won't allow myself to get stuck and backslide rather than move forward.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
deep thinking: insecurities
So I came here today because I read this article: http://99u.com/articles/6947/What-Happened-to-Downtime-The-Extinction-of-Deep-Thinking-Sacred-Space
I've thought about making some thinking time for myself for a while now, but because I've been so busy I've never gotten around to it (ironic right?). I'm not sure what I want to accomplish, but organizing my thoughts and updating this blog regularly does seem like a good idea. I guess today's a good day to start, even in the midst of some crazy project coding I've ever done in my short life.
Actually, before I start, I want to remind myself that it's not simply me-time that I want to strive for, but me AND God time. Well, here it goes...
Lately, I've been very frustrated and feeling insecure about my future as a software engineer. As a senior, I'm starting to see everyone around get full-time internships and jobs, and despite attending all the career fairs, I've received zero interviews this year. I'm really feel the pressure now because everyone (including my parents) is always telling me, "you're a Berkeley CS major, it's easy to get a job!" Well, bad news is I'm nowhere near getting a job... not even a measly internship. What does that have to say about my position and competency as a near college graduate?
It hurts because now that I'm here, I've come to understand just how good other people are at computer science, and just how bad I am. It's depressing because I feel my very own uselessness whenever I have to work with other people. I don't know how to talk to professors and recruiters, I have no passion for the subjects I'm learning, I see my GPA dropping semester after semester.
Computer science is really hard. It's so difficult to manage that it interferes with my everyday activities, ranging from archery to cooking, sleeping to alone time with God. It's got me wondering, if I'm so bad at CS, why am I even doing it in the first place? Everytime I think about this question, I seem to make up a new, different answer, the true purpose seemed to have changed vastly from when I first started.
One of the reasons was so that I could secure a job. But then what? I don't want to sit in the cubicle for the rest of my life, forgoing all the hopes and aspirations I've established long ago. Maybe my job can be temporary: work for a few years, and when I have enough money, start traveling and finding a new, better occupation. But when is enough money enough? As I grow older, I have become much more demanding (with expensive hobbies as archery), how much worse will it be when I will want a car or maybe even a house? Money can't make me happy, but everyone needs money to live. Where can I find my balance?
Over the years, I've began to wonder if I'm doing the Berkeley CS degree for my pride. At UCSD, I did biology--for what other bigger reason than because they're renown for it? Though I hate to admit it, I know that I've let my pride get in my way in the past, and I truly hope I'm not paying the price now because I want to pretend to be someone I'm not.
The biggest issue I'm struggling with now is that I never asked God if it was His will for me to choose computer science. Since arriving at Berkeley, I've been relying so much on myself and my friends, looking at the world from my acute perspective of the future rather than the grand scheme God has planned for me. Rarely had I ever asked myself, how can I use computer science to glorify God? What are the implications for going down this road; is it a dead end? I want to see farther ahead, for what I am able to do for the wider, unprivileged people out there who face oppression every day--not for the me who wants to live an uninspiring life of comfort and security.
After compiling and writing down all my thoughts, I see now that I must have chosen computer science for myself and my expectations. Everything I'm doing now is done because it's expected of me. But the me I'm becoming and the me I want to become are worlds apart. This is not the hero's mentality. This is not the path I was meant to tread on. But you know... God uses people's mistakes and often strengthens them through rituals as these. Yes, taking up computer science seemed to have led me far away from my original aspirations, and yet, perhaps God isn't done yet. In the midst of my insecurities, I'm learning to trust in Him.
Where will it lead me? Where do I go from here?
I've thought about making some thinking time for myself for a while now, but because I've been so busy I've never gotten around to it (ironic right?). I'm not sure what I want to accomplish, but organizing my thoughts and updating this blog regularly does seem like a good idea. I guess today's a good day to start, even in the midst of some crazy project coding I've ever done in my short life.
Actually, before I start, I want to remind myself that it's not simply me-time that I want to strive for, but me AND God time. Well, here it goes...
Lately, I've been very frustrated and feeling insecure about my future as a software engineer. As a senior, I'm starting to see everyone around get full-time internships and jobs, and despite attending all the career fairs, I've received zero interviews this year. I'm really feel the pressure now because everyone (including my parents) is always telling me, "you're a Berkeley CS major, it's easy to get a job!" Well, bad news is I'm nowhere near getting a job... not even a measly internship. What does that have to say about my position and competency as a near college graduate?
It hurts because now that I'm here, I've come to understand just how good other people are at computer science, and just how bad I am. It's depressing because I feel my very own uselessness whenever I have to work with other people. I don't know how to talk to professors and recruiters, I have no passion for the subjects I'm learning, I see my GPA dropping semester after semester.
Computer science is really hard. It's so difficult to manage that it interferes with my everyday activities, ranging from archery to cooking, sleeping to alone time with God. It's got me wondering, if I'm so bad at CS, why am I even doing it in the first place? Everytime I think about this question, I seem to make up a new, different answer, the true purpose seemed to have changed vastly from when I first started.
One of the reasons was so that I could secure a job. But then what? I don't want to sit in the cubicle for the rest of my life, forgoing all the hopes and aspirations I've established long ago. Maybe my job can be temporary: work for a few years, and when I have enough money, start traveling and finding a new, better occupation. But when is enough money enough? As I grow older, I have become much more demanding (with expensive hobbies as archery), how much worse will it be when I will want a car or maybe even a house? Money can't make me happy, but everyone needs money to live. Where can I find my balance?
Over the years, I've began to wonder if I'm doing the Berkeley CS degree for my pride. At UCSD, I did biology--for what other bigger reason than because they're renown for it? Though I hate to admit it, I know that I've let my pride get in my way in the past, and I truly hope I'm not paying the price now because I want to pretend to be someone I'm not.
The biggest issue I'm struggling with now is that I never asked God if it was His will for me to choose computer science. Since arriving at Berkeley, I've been relying so much on myself and my friends, looking at the world from my acute perspective of the future rather than the grand scheme God has planned for me. Rarely had I ever asked myself, how can I use computer science to glorify God? What are the implications for going down this road; is it a dead end? I want to see farther ahead, for what I am able to do for the wider, unprivileged people out there who face oppression every day--not for the me who wants to live an uninspiring life of comfort and security.
After compiling and writing down all my thoughts, I see now that I must have chosen computer science for myself and my expectations. Everything I'm doing now is done because it's expected of me. But the me I'm becoming and the me I want to become are worlds apart. This is not the hero's mentality. This is not the path I was meant to tread on. But you know... God uses people's mistakes and often strengthens them through rituals as these. Yes, taking up computer science seemed to have led me far away from my original aspirations, and yet, perhaps God isn't done yet. In the midst of my insecurities, I'm learning to trust in Him.
Where will it lead me? Where do I go from here?
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