ochem headache

i'm rather shocked that i didn't get an A in organic chemistry. i'm even more shocked that it isn't an A-. it's a freaking B+.

sigh. i don't know what i should do now. i'm feeling rather depressed now since this was supposed to be my redemption quarter. i guess i'm just not cut out for chemistry. i feel like my dreams have really just been crushed, and now i'm not too sure how to put myself back together.

i should stop being such a dreamer.

post final thoughts

this last finals week has been the laziest finals week ever--the most unmotivated i've ever been. i guess the two big reasons are that 1. i only have two real finals, as opposed to the usual four (one's being taken pass/no pass, which i only need a 42% in) and 2. i was doing rather well going in to the final. now i'm a little worried cause i know i didn't try my best. all of my raw scores are out now; but that isn't enough to know exactly what the final grade is. i just hope it's enough to put me above everyone else.

i'm starting to read the nytimes a lot now, especially kristof's articles. i think that the more i read his stuff, the more i'm inspired to do great things. i really admire his work, and sometimes even wish i could be a traveling reporter just like him, but there's still a long path ahead for me to take just to be able to communicate effectively in both speech and writing. which is why i think i'm going to start something new next year: either a photo or a video blog. the idea is this: journaling/blogging every day will help you to plan your future, preserve your thoughts, and improve speech--but every blog i've started has died miserably before it was supposed to end. so a photo/video blog just might be a bit more consistent and help me improve direct contact speech. or something like that.

well, a video log might be a bit ambitious, but it just might help me open up a little bit. plus it might be entertaining to see what other people say about me. my idea for photos, however, is just to take a photo every week and post it online somewhere, just so that i'll stay consistent and look for the beautiful things in life. i do want to make my camera investment worth it.

finals week uncertainties

sighs it's hard to stay consistent on this thing.

well, i made it to finals week. with my current schedule, this is probably my most relaxed finals ever. as in, that i've ever and will ever take in my whole life. hopefully my GPA will rise.

i've been meaning to quit work for a while now, and i sent in my two week's notice last week. so after today, this will be the last week i will work with LSS. i've been telling people that the purpose for me to quit work is because it's burdensome and meaningless labor work. well, that's true but technically i don't have to quit while i search for something else to do, you know? another big reason (that i've had in my mind but never reasoned out in words) is because when i work, i feel complacent. that is, i don't feel that it's urgent to move forward and will be unmotivated to work at all for my future goals. i need to keep pushing myself to bring out my max potential, right?

or perhaps i've just wayyy too ambitious. i'm really really starting to reconsider graduating in three years. i mean, that's seriously a pretty insane maneuver if i really think about it. graduating early means less chance for research, less chance for study abroad, and less chance for pulling my grades up. i'm starting to really consider transferring schools after deciding a few weeks ago that i'd really love to stay in san diego. i guess i know myself well enough to take the risk of transferring for the sake of battling complacency. when i think about it, i really don't have all that much attachment to UCSD at all.

aish everything is just too complicated. i need to relax my mind now for finals.

gpa goal

my current goal?

two quarters of straight A's. that will bring me up to a 3.7.

that's right, straight A's. and by UC system, that means not even A-'s.

for this quarter, i'm on track.

turning point

i spent today writing a blog entry that shows my current disposition after 1040. i've decided to make it public proclamation by putting it on facebook. i spent like three hours trying to organize my thoughts because it's a jumbled mess, but i think's worth it.

after all the craziness of yesterday, today has been such a strange day for me. i literally feel myself become a different person. my thoughts, my attitudes and personality, it's all different. and so, i know that yesterday definitely wasn't a fluke.

yeah. yesterday was definitely a turning point.

letter or p/np?

WAHHHH.

USP144 has been causing me grief to no end. First it tells me I failed, then tells me I didn't fail but that I'm still inadequate, then tells me that I had a good chance! UGHHH.
As you can see in my previous post, me initial feeling was rather unpleasant. So when I received my score Thursday, I was surprised at doing better than I'd thought I would. An 83% is… meh. Just good enough to be redeemable by extreme effort and exertion. By the fact that I managed to get a standard score with minimal reading and terrible essays, I deduced that the class must be easy, and the average must be very high, high enough to not implement a curve. Not cool. Not cool at all.
So I change my grading option to P/NP.
Monday arrives. Professor announces the average to be 83%. WHAT! Ughhhh. Oh well P/NP is still the best option at this point without a curve.
Tuesday arrives. Tests are handed back. My grade has changed from an 83% to an 86%. WHATTTTTTTTTT.
With an 86%, I could totally get at least an A- in the class no problem! AIYA.

so much ranting to do. sighs.

good thing nobody reads this weblog where i vent out my frustrations.

fail first midterm

epic failed first midterm.

EPIC FAILURE. D:

this first midterm ended up completely disastrous. a don't know what else to say.

.......

details you ask?

question. choose a top health concern and talk about its risk factors. one hour to write.

how do i answer? tobacco is the number one killer.

forty minutes into the essay, i realize something. i haven't written a single thing about risk factors. then i realized something else. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RISK FACTORS ARE! D:

then i realized something else else. i freaking took an AIDS class for an entire quarter and i know everything there is to know about AIDS. then a stupid decision. i decided that i'm going to write an essay in freaking ten minutes. i don't think i was completely sane at the moment.

after about seven minutes, i realized that it's impossible to finish this essay in time. FINE. i might as well try and finish that first essay i tried to write and turn it in as crap. well, in the end, i didn't finish that one earlier.

in conclusion: i turned in an incomplete crap essay that doesn't talk about risk factors.

EPIC FAILURE.

priority list

gotta set my priorities straight.

1. God

2. academics

3. soli deo

4. thepulse

5. cooking

6. instrumental practice

7. exercise

wishful thinking

"you know one thing i miss about high school? having friends."

i told this statement to joe yesterday, and he thought it was the most hilarious statement ever.

unfortunately, IT'S TRUEEEEEE!!! D:

last night, my apartmentmate, john, brought over like five or six of his friends to our apartment. soooo jealous. - -;;

today at the library, i met my childhood friend, eric. i kind of wanted to catch up with him, but with his many KCM friends, it was awkward to ask him that. plus, he's got connections to get off campus and get in-n-out. made me kind of sad.

and then there's joe.

SIGHS.

i wish i had friends.

study mode

my world has gone back into hardcore study mode.

sighs. not again. just what i didn't want for this quarter.

oh well. work life has turned around for the better. not like the hectic mess i was in last quarter. having a full-time staff around has made life so, so much easier. these last three weeks, i've only been doing like a third or a quarter of what i used to do--simply because my fellow co-workers are actually doing what they're supposed to do. i had to do so much to fill in for our team's incompetency and lack of a system that i almost felt as though i was giving up my time to provide for my co-workers wages. no wonder i felt like giving up. no wonder i felt like quitting.

ochem is killer. ochem is more intense than any other class i've taken at ucsd. true, i like the professor's lucid lectures, but the process of becoming the elite erudite is really beginning to take a toll on me. it's definitely amounting to two class's worth of time at the very least.

public health, on the other hand, is so incredibly lax that the midterm's going to be incredibly enigmatic. i'm so ill-prepared and unsure as to whether i can really pull off a good enough exam score--sleeping through class and reading close to nothing. i have three days to read eleven chapters.

to add to the pressure, both of these class's midterms will fall on tuesday.

it's stressful times like these that God reminds me how much He wants me to trust Him. always. every time. Jesus, i need You. i need You more than ever.

home again

first post since i've come back from china. i need to get back into the blogging business. i also need to finish my china blog at the same time, so i guess i got a lot to do! wildernessexplorer.wordpress.com.

while i was there, i contacted quite a few of my old ccvs from two years ago. they're all over the place now, mostly off doing work and such and such. chatting with them about old memories and current life has made me realize how much i've missed them. it's really made me see china as a secondary home, a place i belong to.

and talking to the students in lanzhou have made me realize that i really really miss them over there. my one regret for this trip is not heading over to lanzhou after xi'an, where plane tickets are cheap and a train ride isn't too far. i've been in contact with a high school student named star, who was extremely surprised and excited to hear me talk to him. i'm actually really happy i got to talk to him; from him, i can see the lasting impact TGA has on these bright young kids. for a while afterwards, i've really questioned whether TGA's method of teaching really made a difference in these children's lives, but now i see the fruits of our labor. star has entered into a college in lanzhou--a feat by which i've heard is achieved by students by a number countable on a single hand. even more importantly, we've given him a glimpse of God's will on this earth, and he's really recognized that very fact.

now that i'm back at home, i've made a commitment to contact my students in lanzhou even after a period of nearly a year and a half of no communication. friday night's call was to a girl named julia who is now taking her first year in high school. contrary to what i'd think, she holds no resentment towards me for not calling her. we talked about little trivial things, but it filled me with so much joy. one thing's for sure: i'll be making a lot of calls into china in the future, along with a visit to lanzhou probably sometime next year (esp if i study abroad at HKU).

it's strange to think that God's given me such a heart for china though i've always called myself a global citizen. perhaps that's the real reason he gave me the gift of mandarin--to be able to use to impact lives. the past few days have made me feel slightly depressed over little things, but thinking about all the people who love and support me from around the world has helped to eliminate these feelings of discontentment.

narcolepsy

i am extremely failing at this whole blogging business.

actually i am just failing a lot lately in general. lately i've been suffering from narcolepsy. yes, i fall asleep at random times during the day even when i don't mean to. i'm such a big time waster! it makes me kind of sad really. there's so much i want to do in life, but i'm wasting it awayyyy. sighs.

i feel like i did have a lot to say, but i forgot it all. hopefully next time there'll be more.

strange dream

two boys (whose names i won't mention) came to my house one day. apparently legos have taken absurdity to a new level: they legofied starcraft units. weird.

anyway. these two boys wanted to play lego starcraft during their visit to my house for reasons unknown. each lego unit is roughly the size of a book, and someone had the bright idea to stake them down into the wooden floor in my family room. they did it before i came downstairs and saw them.

and my reaction is something like.. "WHAT THE HECK??" these floors now have GIANT HOLES in them! and exaggeratedly large too, for some odd reason. each hole was large enough to stick a thick pole into. but my parents were chill about it. one of the holes was actually much larger than all the others; upon further inspection, it led into a large underground basement that none of us except my father knew about. we had no idea what was down there, so we didn't pursue any further, understanding that our house had extremely complex systems that could literally kill you.

for example, my attic is still being explored. after discovering the entrance, my father and i would make periodic voyages though the complex tunnel systems that lead to unknown places. there are many forks--and over the years, we have tried to map it out as we go. the farthest voyage we have taken lasted three hours before finally turning back.

in each of my return trips (often on my own), i have never discovered an exit. i would sometimes hear strange noises; at times like these, i would hide, unsure of what may be coming my direction. i thought that maybe they were explorers like me, but i have never seen them.

so anyway, we were rather unsure of what to do with the basement so we left it alone. i took note that i would explore it sometime later. we decided to take our game outside into our exercise court. there was a giant chess set available there (though oddly, i only counted a single pawn on both sides), and so we just used those as starcraft unit substitutes.

fights

i think i know why i'm able to be so heartless as to pursue and kill an argument despite being so sensitive now. it must be because of my mother.

my dad and my sister both say i have my mom's favor. well, i say not really. i've just closed up my heart so much after so many years of arguments that i honestly don't care if she gets mad at me anymore. it used to be that she would yell at me and i would feel bad, but it's not really that way now at nineteen years old. she can yell all she wants now, and i just won't care cause i've learned that it's impossible to win. there are only two options: either submit and let her think she's right, or keep yelling back until she stops. both my sister and my father are afraid of her, so they let her do whatever she wants, but i'm different. i let her get mad at me cause she's going to give me whatever the max sentence is anyway, but i don't let her win. i don't give up cause somebody's got to let her know that she can't control everything just because she's the big boss.

just for reference, one time she came into my room while i was sleeping, woke me up and yelled at me and told me to go to sleep. i was only half-awake when it happened, and then i went back to sleep. yeah that was weird.

unforeseen circumstances

things are not going the way i planned it out to be.

for senior retreat, that's a huge blessing.

for everything else, it's a major toll.

final final

God's blessed me so much this year.

And He's blessed me by finally ending it.

Still, though it's been a torturous struggle all the way through the quarter, God's really been making me grow. I can't really see it from my POV, but I'm certain that I have.

Alas! The last final is in ~36 hours! Despite probably being my most important final, I feel so relaxed right now (rather than stressed, as I was for AIDS final). It feels like it's already over. A year-long struggle. But looking back at the memories, God's always pulled me through over and over again, and why not rely on His grace once again?

I will update more during the summer, as I have no excuses anymore. No 20+ page lab reports, no ultra-cramming for physics quizzes, and (most wonderfully) no more DOC essays forever.

peace at last, for a while

apparently after hell week comes a time of week-long peace. i don't understand why everything was crammed into that one week, but this week sure was tame. and of course, i returned back to my old, daily routines. except for one thing: i have a tendency to not wake up and skip physics and doc now. well, at least i've forced myself to get back on track with doc, but physics is just too early.. hmm i wonder what i can do.

in other news, i finally got caught for skipping work. not that i didn't see it coming--it was bound to happen sometime--but i sure hit me a lot harder than i thought it would. oh yeah, i know why. cause i realized that i don't have integrity and that i'm really a coward who doesn't want to face consequences. i lied about studying for a nonexistent midterm to make it seem less severe. a one time thing. yet, i can't help but wonder if they suspect my chronic skipping tendencies.

i guess i've always justified by saying stuff like i work harder and more efficiently than the others (true statement), and i really don't need this job so badly that i would mind being fired. well, i guess i do, much more than i thought, because 1) i want to finish with a recommendation letter and 2) i want to maintain a good, friendly relationship with the staff there. actually, it's mostly reason number two--mainly for keeping my own soul intact. i can't bear the thought of ending relationships with good people in a sour way. that's happened before, and i never want it to happen again.

well, the first mistake is always a warning. perhaps a seed of distrust. that just means that i'll have to work super hard to earn it back--on time/early and extended hours just like how i did it before during winter quarter.

today is the start of memorial weekend. whenever i'm at home, i feel extremely lazy and totally lose the will/drive to work. sleep/tv/eat is okay. church is okay. but study? impossible. but! this weekend i will have to do the impossible if i am to survive my finals. just keep looking ahead at the end--summer is almost here! (albeit summer school)

oh, one last note. huge recommendation for the anime airing this season called angel beats! (yes, the exclamation mark is part of the name). it has great comedy that will keep you laughing the entire way though, and an incredible and mysterious storyline that keeps getting better as it develops. very much my type of anime; it switches between moods swiftly and keeps you on your toes. not to mention the artwork is a definite A+, very similar to other works by key. if you like something emotional, out-of-the-ordinary, funny, dramatic, visually-stunning... give it a try and tell me what you think, yeah?

hell week

a quarter. a whole freaking quarter. i say quarter cause i've lost track of what week i'm on. i just know the end is near, and couldn't come sooner. every day is killing me faster. who knew that college would be as devastating as high school life was? my confidence shattered, my youth lost, my life expended.

i haven't updated in an extraordinarily long time, against my goals to update multiple times per week. i just can't seem to live up to my own expectations.

this week is what i call "hell week." i knew what was coming, really, and all i could do was brace for impact. now i'm in the midst of it. chem and phys lab report due thurs. physics quiz due fri. doc paper due mon. another chem lab report due next tues.

and all i've done is sixteen pages of an endless report not worth my time. i really need to step it up somehow. God help me through the next 24hrs x 7d.

distractions

last night, i had the longest sleep. ever. in my life. probably.

i started sleeping right after dinner for some reason. probably around 7.30pm.

i woke up at 3.00am to my drunken roommates. i went back to sleep at 4.00am.

i woke up again at 9.00am to a phone call. i went back to sleep.

i woke up and went back to sleep at 10am. when i finally got up, it was already 11.30am.

so, in short, i spent about 15 hours in bed. now that's never happened before.

as for school work in general, i'm getting myself killed over it. i'm not too sure what i should do but i know i gotta do something to keep myself from getting distracted. no more cod, no more watching anime reading manga. well, at least not more than one at a time.

which brings me to another point. i seem to get myself into serious distractions whenever i'm stressed and it stresses me out more. i don't know why! during finals week, i watched winter sonata, all twenty-five episodes, in that week alone! that's a full day just spent in front of a computer screen, within a single week! and today i reread almost the entire ubel blatt manga series just for the heck of it! (which is a really great manga, if you get the chance to read it)

i realize now that i need to spend a lot of time in prayer. that's something i haven't done lately, and i can feel a certain toll mentally. being in constant communication with God really keeps one healthy, and with all the time i waste, i know i can definitely invest it in something greater.

overload

i can't believe it's already tuesday. time is flying by too quickly and i just can't catch up. there's no time to finish assignments or play anymore. there's no time to eat or sleep anymore. i have habits to make and habits to break. still, i must endure on.

oh God, help me please.

steadfast faith

Trust in God. Question the lies of the world. See what Christianity really holds with objectivity.

In other news, I received this email in my inbox today.

Dear Mr. Yang –
The Instructor has notified the Academic Integrity Office that he is withdrawing the Policy on Integrity of Scholarship violation allegation (#12592) made against you in PHYS 1AL , Winter 2010. Thus, the Academic Integrity Review you requested has been cancelled and we will return your file to your college dean.

In addition, the Instructor will now submit the proper university documentation to change your grade from an IP to the grade you earned in the course. Please note that the change of grade process can take several weeks to occur, but you should contact our office if the new grade is not appearing on Tritonlink after 8 weeks.
Best wishes for your remaining time at UCSD.

A huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

God is teaching me the meaning of persistence and patience.

tired

waking up at 2:30am to start my doc journal.

i'm living such an unhealthy lifestyle.

school-sick

sighs this quarter has made me very sick. nope, not physically sick. school-sick.

i'm getting so tired and fed up with all the work i have to do for everything every day. i kind of wish i could go back to fall quarter--now that was fun. this quarter just plainly--sucks. i absolutely detest DOC and physics 1B. AIDS science and society is very interesting but wayyy too much work for all the little things we're required to know. and chem lab is just too early and stressful. gosh i can't wait for this quarter to be over.

socially my world is dying too. cliques have formed like in high school in a more severe sense (obviously none includes me); i don't even feel like i belong in IV anymore. speaking of which, i need a place where i can be more real.

even my dorms are no longer really welcoming. the tightness that we once had during first quarter is entirely lost: everyone has their own agendas now. we don't eat together. we don't study together. we don't play games together (as much). we're just consumed by our own things, whether it be classwork, study, friends, jobs (for me that is), etc.

oh how i miss the good ol' days. the days when i didn't want to come back home cause it was all fun 'n games (i've come home every weekend this quarter so far). oh well--the only thing good i can even think up at the moment is the fact that my sister came home after not seeing her for two quarters. more incentive to go home on the weekends.

sighs. hang on alan, it will soon be over. hang on.

ughhhhh

i'm starting to get really sick of when people give me major attitude. it makes me really pissed off when people misinterpret my good intentions and then treat me like crap.

luckily i always have a cool down period where i just try not to think about it, and then suddenly i pretty much forget or don't care about it anymore.

i think i'm in desperate need of prayer.

busyness of life

wow what a hecka busy week.

mon: 9-10am physics at york. 10-11am register bike and purchase lock at bike shop. 11am-12pm doc at center. 12pm-3pm work at leichtag biomed. 3-4pm honors seminar at tmc admin building. 5-6pm ucsd bookstore for lab supplies. 6-11pm dinner at piatti for delia's birthday.

tues: 8-11am chem lab at york. 11-2pm work at lbr. 3.30-5pm bicd136 at warren. 6-8pm lab safety training. 8-11pm iv small group.

wed: 9-10am physics. 10-11am doc discussion at sequoia. 11-12pm doc at center. 12-3pm work. 3-5.30pm lab safety training. 7-8pm chem lab lecture at york. 9-10pm chem prelab write-up.

not to mention the week before: purchasing laptop from newegg and setting it up all week, purchasing a bike off craigslist from anaheim on friday, surgery thursday, 8am senior retreat meeting before all day film festival and dinner party at night on saturday.

and you know what. i just realized i haven't taken a shower since i came to school.

miracles all around

i want to say i did an excellent job.

i want to say i'm amazingly smart.

i want to say i'm incredibly fortuitous.

i want to say i made it happen.

but i didn't do any of it. none of it's me.

it's all God.

every quarter i ask for the same miracle, and he gives it to me.

i don't think that many people understand just how much i struggle to do what i do.

i don't know if people understand how much i rely on God's grace to help me pull through.

but the reason i don't get frustrated or stressed out is because i always ask for this same miracle. and He makes it happen. over and over again.

projected grades:

bicd 100: A

chem 6c: B/B-

phys 1a: B+

doc 2: B-

resultant grades:

bicd 100: A

chem 6c: A-

phys 1a: A+

doc 2: B+

ptl.

doc pre-final

my head hurts.

pre-finals week

arggghhh i'm being overwhelmed by the stress upcoming finals! sighs it's so absolutely critical i do well on these next finals cause so much depends on it.

monday: genetics. the only one i have a good chance for an A in. i don't want to miss this one.

tuesday: study all day for chem test. this is the single most important test out of the four! worth 50% of my grade; doing well means dropping a midterm, accounting for 75% of my grade! it's also the one i'm least prepared for: my grade here could range from A- to C+ depending on study and luck!

thursday: physics exam. currently an 88%. i will need to receive a proper A if i want to get an A- in the class.

friday: doc final. very unprepared for this one due to the fact that i've been slacking. i'm content with a B in this class, but nothing lower!

this whole last week, i wasn't able to focus on my studies just simply because the reality of finals hadn't hit yet. i guess for me, it's either maximum potential or no potential at all--and my study instincts have just kicked into overdrive.

prior to this, i was kind of stuck in a--how do you say--manga addiction.. ? reading one of the greatest mangas of all time, hayate the combat butler. of course, i can't recommend it for everyone.. the humor isn't understood by all, especially those unfamiliar with japanese culture. the reason why i like hayate so much is because it's so different from all the other stuff i read. most of the good anime/manga i watch and read have incredible tension: so much so that you just can't stop reading until you find out what happens next. sometimes though, so much tension leaves a bad taste in your mouth, and you really can't appreciate it until it's finally over. hayate isn't like that though: it's based around comedy, and is seriously funny to death. at the beginning, it seems kind of really slow and the plot doesn't seem to go anywhere, but if you can get past that stage, you can really see how well developed the characters have become, making its comedic qualities all the greater. later chapters give longer arcs and develop more tension--but by that time, you can't help but love the entire cast, even the ones you thought you would never really like.

of course, despite being such a good manga, what impeccable timing it is to be stuck reading pre-finals week. i underestimated the power of manga-addiction: reading for five hours straight today when i was to be studying. a hundred chapters in the last two days. sighs.

oh well. i need to make up for lost time. better to study now than never!

life's lessons

today i learned:

not to telling your aggravated suitemate he sucks at sniping, lest you want your head driven into the door. (and not to sleep with a bump on your head right after; you get a major headache - -;;)

that it is possible to run and catch a bus at the peterson stop when you see it zooming by under the ovt bridge.

that i am very ahead of schedule compared to normal people in terms of class schedule. (i have all three science classes with my two sophomore co-workers)

that non-desperate studying is not studying at all. (actually i already knew that)

that salad does taste good when all you've had is dorm food for two quarters.

winter quarter reflection

since it's tenth week, and i haven't written down most all the crazy things that have happened over this quarter, it's time for a winter quarter reflection:

the good:

getting an interview for a lab position i gave up on.

the bad:

she refused to interview me. (well, it was a learning experience anyway.)

the good:

getting a SECOND interview for a lab position i gave up on. (a week right after!) this time, i got the position i wanted--with a $10/hour salary!

the good:

genetics midterm shock. (a whopping 98%!)

the bad:

physics quiz shock. (a disastrous 65%!)

the good:

realizing that i really needed to step it up. luckily i did end up dropping that quiz.

the good:

meeting new friends in genetics and dimensions of culture.

the bad:

... [there can never be a bad when it comes to meeting friends]

the bad:

Justin got into a car accident and died.

the good:

realizing what a great guy he is. a true role model for every christian that desires more. he has inspired me to pursue greatness, both in spirit and in everyday actions.

the bad:

getting news that i received academic misconduct for cheating.

the good:

realizing how fortunate i was already to be in this institution by God's grace. being broken down really allowed me to see the bigger picture--why should i worry about a small case like this when the majority of people in this world can't even attend college?

the bad:

appealing to the assistant dean didn't work.

the good:

realizing that i have so many friends that support me. now i get to get a hearing and experience the full legal process of academic misconduct from beginning to end.

the bad:

getting my bike stolen.

the good:

realizing how good God is. realizing that registering your bicycle is important. realizing that U-locks are a must, even with cheap-looking bikes. and realizing that there are people out there daring enough to cut a lock and steal it in an open area in broad daylight. (there are no safe zones except inside your dorm!)

wow. a quarter with so many ups and downs. last quarter was not nearly as chaotic. But alas, the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

reading for intellect's sake

recently, i've been addicted to reading nicholas kristof's opinion columns in the nytimes. he's an amazing journalist that i first heard about when he came to san diego to speak about "turning oppression into opportunity for women worldwide." he's known for journaling about human rights abuses worldwide and such, and i've yet to find a column that i didn't find interesting. he didn't win two pulitzer prizes for nothing.

http://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/

introduction (part 2)

since you're here, i'll let you in on a little secret. every person has a different way of expressing him or herself. some people are awesome at giving speeches. some people only show their personality through action. some people cannot communicate in large groups, but can relate in powerful ways one-on-one.

even more specifically, some people show their true selves through video games (notice their drastic changes in behavior?), some people display their innermost feelings through drawing paintings, some people (among one whose name is Jesus) show their identities through storytelling.

well, my greatest form of expression is (in my own opinion) through my writing. there was a time when i became a hermit/outcast/loner; i was afraid to speak, lest others would judge me by my tongue. speaking was, and still is to some extent, very difficult for me: once you say something, you can never take it back. now that i think about it, my greatest role models all had a certain trait in common: the ability to speak their minds without fear of saying something wrong. that was in my junior high/early high school years.

thus, my primary method of communication became aim. aol instant messaging. an extremely important innovation in helping me cope with my inability to talk. with aim, you get to think over what you say before you enter the "enter" button. you get to check up certain facts online to confirm true statements. those who regularly chatted with me through aim became the ones who were able to see the real me. the me who hid away in my own bubble, trying to become as inconspicuous as possible among my peers.

and that is still true with me after all these years, although not nearly as prominent as before. i've abandoned chatting as my primary method of communication--that's a goal i've made for myself--but speaking to strangers and large groups still continues to scare the heck out of me.

so, as i was saying, i'm very self-conscious about the way i communicate, and frankly, my writings about myself are much more of an in depth look into my world.

so congratulations. for you to read my blog is to experience a big part of who i am.

introduction

as much as i don't like to change over blogs often, i think it's about time for a switch.

there are a few reasons for this.

1. my writing style was too formal. if i didn't think something was worth writing, i didn't. if i just suddenly changed my writing style to become informal, i thought that would be kind of weird--so then i just decided to move away somewhere else.

2. my mom checked it every day. this is actually kind of a bother for me; my last blog was a place where i could sort out my thoughts without anyone seeing anything. apparently that wasn't the case. i tended to write whenever i was going through depression or hardships--but that isn't a cry for help or anything. it's just a way i cope with the impact of stress in my everyday life.

so, my goal here is to write twice a week. no formalities, no capitalizing at the beginning of the sentence, no grammar revision, no forced analysis of every detail of each post. more personal everyday life events, more raw passion(?), more details. less of who i am, more of what i am.

essentially, this blog is for me.

if you're here for inspiration and elegance, you may find it here--but i'll warn you now: it's probably going to be much more mundane than before. just bits and pieces of the world i live in.

welcome to my world.

living by faith and not by sight

my goal this year: having faith to pray dangerous prayers.