deep thinking: insecurities

So I came here today because I read this article: http://99u.com/articles/6947/What-Happened-to-Downtime-The-Extinction-of-Deep-Thinking-Sacred-Space

I've thought about making some thinking time for myself for a while now, but because I've been so busy I've never gotten around to it (ironic right?). I'm not sure what I want to accomplish, but organizing my thoughts and updating this blog regularly does seem like a good idea. I guess today's a good day to start, even in the midst of some crazy project coding I've ever done in my short life.

Actually, before I start, I want to remind myself that it's not simply me-time that I want to strive for, but me AND God time. Well, here it goes...

Lately, I've been very frustrated and feeling insecure about my future as a software engineer. As a senior, I'm starting to see everyone around get full-time internships and jobs, and despite attending all the career fairs, I've received zero interviews this year. I'm really feel the pressure now because everyone (including my parents) is always telling me, "you're a Berkeley CS major, it's easy to get a job!" Well, bad news is I'm nowhere near getting a job... not even a measly internship. What does that have to say about my position and competency as a near college graduate?

It hurts because now that I'm here, I've come to understand just how good other people are at computer science, and just how bad I am.  It's depressing because I feel my very own uselessness whenever I have to work with other people. I don't know how to talk to professors and recruiters, I have no passion for the subjects I'm learning, I see my GPA dropping semester after semester.

Computer science is really hard. It's so difficult to manage that it interferes with my everyday activities, ranging from archery to cooking, sleeping to alone time with God. It's got me wondering, if I'm so bad at CS, why am I even doing it in the first place? Everytime I think about this question, I seem to make up a new, different answer, the true purpose seemed to have changed vastly from when I first started.

One of the reasons was so that I could secure a job. But then what? I don't want to sit in the cubicle for the rest of my life, forgoing all the hopes and aspirations I've established long ago. Maybe my job can be temporary: work for a few years, and when I have enough money, start traveling and finding a new, better occupation. But when is enough money enough? As I grow older, I have become much more demanding (with expensive hobbies as archery), how much worse will it be when I will want a car or maybe even a house? Money can't make me happy, but everyone needs money to live. Where can I find my balance?

Over the years, I've began to wonder if I'm doing the Berkeley CS degree for my pride. At UCSD, I did biology--for what other bigger reason than because they're renown for it? Though I hate to admit it, I know that I've let my pride get in my way in the past, and I truly hope I'm not paying the price now because I want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

The biggest issue I'm struggling with now is that I never asked God if it was His will for me to choose computer science. Since arriving at Berkeley, I've been relying so much on myself and my friends, looking at the world from my acute perspective of the future rather than the grand scheme God has planned for me. Rarely had I ever asked myself, how can I use computer science to glorify God? What are the implications for going down this road; is it a dead end? I want to see farther ahead, for what I am able to do for the wider, unprivileged people out there who face oppression every day--not for the me who wants to live an uninspiring life of comfort and security.

After compiling and writing down all my thoughts, I see now that I must have chosen computer science for myself and my expectations. Everything I'm doing now is done because it's expected of me. But the me I'm becoming and the me I want to become are worlds apart. This is not the hero's mentality. This is not the path I was meant to tread on. But you know... God uses people's mistakes and often strengthens them through rituals as these. Yes, taking up computer science seemed to have led me far away from my original aspirations, and yet, perhaps God isn't done yet. In the midst of my insecurities, I'm learning to trust in Him.

Where will it lead me? Where do I go from here?