suspension

The title of my post is suspension. You know, the chemistry term used to describe a heterogenous mixture of dispersed insoluble particles in a liquid (ie. milk). That's the state of mind I'm feeling like right now: neither settling nor dissolving.

For the past several months, I've been depressed, ranging day-to-day from mild to extremely severe. My mood swings are wild -- I could be happy one moment, and two minutes later extremely bitter. I would say this ranks up as one of the most (if not the most) challenging times of my life. For the first time ever, I am unable to control my emotions, and in my frustration, I lash out to the people seemingly closest to me. I can't bear the sight of certain people; even thinking about them will make me sick.

I don't think I'm the type of person to rank people, and I've been thinking about that a lot recently. In the past, my mentality was in line with my ideology: I want to give everyone a chance, invite everyone to every event, treat everyone fairly and equally -- because I know how it feels to be left out. Nowadays I've done a complete 180 degree turn: I only want to stay around people I like and push out everyone else. Whenever I end up compromising on what I really want to do, I end up making myself miserable.

How could I have changed so much in such a short amount of time? I've become the type of person I bitterly loathe: selfish, obsessive, passive-aggressive, jealous, and entirely unconfident. I struggle every day secretly hoping to get closer to someone and getting depressed or angry when I don't.

As much as I want to believe I'm beginning to get better, my life thus far has been a turbulent mess. I don't know how I can deal with all these emotions; I think I must be going insane. Hey world, what am I supposed to do?

change

It's been so long since I've been here that I had almost forgotten that this blog still even exists. As I reminisce about the college life I've left behind, I've also realized that I've forgotten how to express myself through writing. The only reason I've returned is, as usual, because I've been feeling rather distressed this entire past weekend. I have been experiencing "feelings" that have left me somewhat confused and sad. Originally, I had wanted to write about it in an effort to understand and sort it out, but now I can feel my mood lighten already. I'm thinking about starting up a personal journal to jumpstart my writing once again.

So what's changed?

Just one year ago, I started on my study abroad program at HKU.
Last December, I officially graduated from college and embarked on a two month long journey through Southeast Asia. Then, the following four months I was depressed and unemployed.
Suddenly last June, by God's grace I landed a 12-week contract as a QA Engineer in the Bay Area. And now, I am a full-time employee at this software company.

Time flies fast. There is so much to be thankful for. I have an income, I have friends, and I have my own place to stay. I haven't had such an optimistic outlook in life in a long time.

I hope it continues this way for a long time to come.