ochem headache

i'm rather shocked that i didn't get an A in organic chemistry. i'm even more shocked that it isn't an A-. it's a freaking B+.

sigh. i don't know what i should do now. i'm feeling rather depressed now since this was supposed to be my redemption quarter. i guess i'm just not cut out for chemistry. i feel like my dreams have really just been crushed, and now i'm not too sure how to put myself back together.

i should stop being such a dreamer.

post final thoughts

this last finals week has been the laziest finals week ever--the most unmotivated i've ever been. i guess the two big reasons are that 1. i only have two real finals, as opposed to the usual four (one's being taken pass/no pass, which i only need a 42% in) and 2. i was doing rather well going in to the final. now i'm a little worried cause i know i didn't try my best. all of my raw scores are out now; but that isn't enough to know exactly what the final grade is. i just hope it's enough to put me above everyone else.

i'm starting to read the nytimes a lot now, especially kristof's articles. i think that the more i read his stuff, the more i'm inspired to do great things. i really admire his work, and sometimes even wish i could be a traveling reporter just like him, but there's still a long path ahead for me to take just to be able to communicate effectively in both speech and writing. which is why i think i'm going to start something new next year: either a photo or a video blog. the idea is this: journaling/blogging every day will help you to plan your future, preserve your thoughts, and improve speech--but every blog i've started has died miserably before it was supposed to end. so a photo/video blog just might be a bit more consistent and help me improve direct contact speech. or something like that.

well, a video log might be a bit ambitious, but it just might help me open up a little bit. plus it might be entertaining to see what other people say about me. my idea for photos, however, is just to take a photo every week and post it online somewhere, just so that i'll stay consistent and look for the beautiful things in life. i do want to make my camera investment worth it.

finals week uncertainties

sighs it's hard to stay consistent on this thing.

well, i made it to finals week. with my current schedule, this is probably my most relaxed finals ever. as in, that i've ever and will ever take in my whole life. hopefully my GPA will rise.

i've been meaning to quit work for a while now, and i sent in my two week's notice last week. so after today, this will be the last week i will work with LSS. i've been telling people that the purpose for me to quit work is because it's burdensome and meaningless labor work. well, that's true but technically i don't have to quit while i search for something else to do, you know? another big reason (that i've had in my mind but never reasoned out in words) is because when i work, i feel complacent. that is, i don't feel that it's urgent to move forward and will be unmotivated to work at all for my future goals. i need to keep pushing myself to bring out my max potential, right?

or perhaps i've just wayyy too ambitious. i'm really really starting to reconsider graduating in three years. i mean, that's seriously a pretty insane maneuver if i really think about it. graduating early means less chance for research, less chance for study abroad, and less chance for pulling my grades up. i'm starting to really consider transferring schools after deciding a few weeks ago that i'd really love to stay in san diego. i guess i know myself well enough to take the risk of transferring for the sake of battling complacency. when i think about it, i really don't have all that much attachment to UCSD at all.

aish everything is just too complicated. i need to relax my mind now for finals.