post-finals

the last few weeks have been completely miserable and downright depressing with the onslaught of finals and grades not going where they should be going. but life isn't so unforgiving that my struggles will be in vain.

once upon a time, i realized the power of prayer in helping me find purpose and direction, and only through prayer was i able to succeed in academics. it's not that i've forgotten this crucial fact. it's just been at the back of my mind. when life is going in a direction i want it to go, i feel accomplished that i have done something right by my own hands. but God is constantly telling me otherwise; He is the One who is in control of everything. and so when my life began to spiral out of control, He showed me who is really behind the steering wheel.

and so this semester, i've once again foolishly and selfishly asked for better grades, so as to prove my worth. i had the wrong heart, and God saw right through that and put me in my place. and even after that, He was still so merciful and blessed me so abundantly. my grades are not entirely awful this semester. not particularly good in any way, but still better than what i had been brooding over since taking the final exams.

ptL.

november is here

it's november! one of my favorite months of the year!

eheheh..

also, recently i've been very excited about archery club because i'm starting to finally show improvement! i think one of the things i love about archery is that dedication surely pays off. it takes very little natural skill and much more listening, learning, and practicing.

originally, i thought i would just do archery for fun as a college hobby, since i'm already a bit too old for competition. my reasoning is that most people would have one year to learn and three years to improve through competition (but alas for a transfer like me, it's too late to become team-worthy). but after yesterday, seeing as i managed to score rather high pretty consistently, i'm beginning too reconsider.

archery is such a great destresser. it livens up my spirit after a long day of classes and gives me energy. last friday and this monday were particularly good because i got to meet and mingle with team members, who are all very nice, but until now, always distanced. and with the smaller, tighter group of ascent people, we're beginning close the gap and show that we can have fun too!

when i first began shooting arrows at the archery club, i did it because archery was so fun. everyone was very shy, timid, introverted -- but i didn't care. i just wanted to shoot some arrows and get better. it's hard to believe that now i have a few friends within the club, and i'm starting to get to know the team members as well. it's even harder to believe that i'm now even beginning to consider investing on my own bow and arrows and participating in tournaments.

ah, what a lively college life i'm having. if only academics were going well too..

depressed

i didn't realize how quickly i'm able to lose spirit. one bad midterm and i'm brooding for hours.

and then i realized how much God wanted me to talk to Him. how much He wanted me to know that He was in control, not me.

i've become spoiled. i've been blessed with a string of good grades, but it's hardly because i'm smart. i've been tricked into thinking that i'm good. but no. God is good.

for the first time in college, i've received an irredeemable midterm below a full standard deviation. i'm starting to realize, for the millionth time, how much i need to pray. none of this is by my power, but a gift from the almighty God. my GPA is not mine, but His.

berkeley, you may be able to put me down, but my God is greater.

fall semester

I have returned! After a three-month hiatus since school ended, here I am once again! Just in time for the start of fall quarter!

..........

Oh wait, I've already been in school for a month, and now it's MIDTERM SEASON. ARGHHHH.

Oh school. How you irritate me so.

reality

at the end of the day,

my life still feels like it's in shambles.

summer project

i should start on a summer project. not sure what to do yet though.

i also need to look for an apartment. ah the complications.

finals week again

overall, i'm relatively pleased with the outcomes of my two CS classes. as for the third, i'm going on a study rampage for the next six days.

HERE WE GO! :D

incoherent

recently, these posts have all been close to one-liners. i feel like i should write something a bit more substantial soon, but i guess i'll do it some other time since it's close to 3am now.

i think i'm going a bit crazy in the head. somehow, nothing seems to come out right anymore--everything's all jumbled up and messy. i can't express my thoughts coherently at all. i can't even really understand what i try to say sometimes.

sighhhs.

excited!

OH MAHHHHHH EEEEEEE

anime expo 2011 w/ kalafina, hatsune miku, kagamine rin & len, and luka megurine!

sooo epic!

pondering everyday

there's so much to think about.

life is hard

sooo many complications! :'(

end of the line

ahhhh i can't believe it!

two years ago, ucla rejected me. now i have the chance to reject ucla.

:D

goodbye

i've been thinking over and over again,

but the outcome is still the same.

there's very little reason for me to stay here.

for one, if i leave, i wipe my record clean.

that's enough incentive for me to start over.

i've already had three marks, and only one would even carry over.

i can't afford to get into any more trouble.

start anew.

i mentioned the probably is likely 50-25-25,

but it's more like 60-40. i can't stay here.

it's time to leave.

decision outcome

i guess ucla will do.

more jury duty

GAHHHHHHHHH

last time i got away from doing jury duty at the superior court of california, county of san diego,

but today i've discovered i've been summoned to united states district court, southern district of california. that's another step up.........

blehhhhh i found it in my mailbox this morning.. it was supposed to be mailed back in ten days, but it's been sitting in my mailbox for more than a month now. came just before spring break, didn't check first week, got into accident second week, and now it's already third week.

why am i so unfortunate!!!!

unproductive again

HAHA how ironic that i had to write that last post.

well, it's been five days since the bicycle accident, and i've done nothing but sit at home waiting for recovery to happen. just been mostly facebook lurking and watching modern family all day. i probably should've been blogging more since i have time, but somehow i'm really, really good at making my days go by unproductively. which reminds me, whenever i have anything eventful to write about, it never goes onto my blog--but onto my facebook. huh.

as i said before, it's not much of a journal, but a place to put out thoughts i don't want to make entirely public. that usually goes to facebook in a more formal fashion; less strange phrasing that i tend to style. <--just like that.

the most entertaining part of the first three days i've been at home have been the facebook comments, calls and chats i've been getting from various people about the incident. i've gotten a lot of messages even from people i don't communicate with regularly (those are definitely by far the most significant; not all comments are made equal). i had a conversation with my cousin in taiwan over facebook chat, which made me really happy. i mean, there was a huge language barrier last time i went over to taiwan, but now i've found out that her english writing skills are actually really good. heh... talking to her reminded me of how much i want to go visit taiwan again.

sighs. i have so much to make up at school though. there's a lot to do this quarter.

work time

I haven't had any time at all to blog recently!

I guess you could say I'm getting ready for a highly productive quarter, as opposed to last quarter. My grades suck, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as fall quarter cause I totally deserve it. (yeahhh winter quarter was full of ups and downs, with significantly more downs)

Whelps, time to program!

system.out.println("hello world!");

losing all sanity

GAHHHHH I'M SO BUSY! :U

I have come to a new revelation: I am a masochist. I must be one, for I love to torture myself so. Why else in the world would I switch into bioinformatics, the most ridiculously difficult major on campus?

I hate working hard. My grades are dying. I have no friends. I have no life.

And for some odd reason, I've now extended my time here at UCSD by more than a year, with insanely difficult coursework.

I must be going insane.

arms open wide

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way

gun regulation please

I wrote this a while ago: might as well post it now or never.

Gun control is something that I’ve switched stances on during my lifetime. As an idealist, it’s wonderful to proclaim guns as a necessary tool to protect our individuality and a great sport for hunting. We need guns to protect us from an oppressive government; that’s precisely why the Founding Fathers put in the Second Amendment. Oh, and it’s a great way to protect yourself. Think for a second: if everyone carried a gun, then homicide would logically not be such a big issue. After all, once one person opens fire, then others would immediately shoot him back, preventing a homicidal rampage, right?

Wrong. Very smart statisticians have made it clear that having a gun in your home makes you much more likely to be shot – by accident, suicide or homicide (I wouldn’t read this if I were you, but here’s my source: http://islandia.law.yale.edu/ayres/Ayres_Donohue_article.pdf). Any logical thinker not swayed by excessive patriotism and affinity to the gun culture will realize that the Second Amendment is outdated: to prevent a dictatorship from when the country was still young. China is a place I’d like to cite as being a country with a strong police presence and extensive gun control – and yet you will almost never hear about gun violence. Sure, there are a few exceptional cases here and there, but nothing remotely close to the amount US has (and it’s not because of media censorship). We criticize China as a tyrant to its people, but in exchange for what you Americans call “freedom,” its government actually works to protect its people.

Sure, people like to hunt for sport. But it’s hard to justify the use of handguns (especially semi-automatic ones) and extended magazines for any purpose other than to shoot other people. The lack of gun regulation in America is a huge public health concern; just because the swimming pool kills more people annually than guns do doesn’t make it any less of a problem. A gun is still a weapon; don’t you find it strange that police officers can give tickets for a person not wearing a seatbelt or arrest minors for underaged drinking or smoking, and yet can’t ban guns and accessories which often serve no purpose other than for killing?

ignorance is bliss

ecclesiastes 1:18

no productivity

gaooooooo.

i've lost all productivity during the last five days.

not good. not good at all.

sighs.

it also started raining today.

good classes aren't being offered next quarter.

lenses are expensive.

questioning my future career.

starting to sleep later and later each night.

still have no friends.

short post

I've been extensively writing a "public post," so I apologize for writing a super short post today.

Sorry blog.

Briefly a schedule of activities:

Wake 10am. That's actually the latest I've slept in all week. I was quite tired from sleeping late though.

11am-12:30pm ochem lecture. Oh fun stuff.

1.30-5.30pm today was really one of the most unproductive days ever in terms of studying. I spent the entire duration blogging and reading the news today (I didn't even sleep!).

7pm "new years dinner" with homegroup. My roommate and I ended up eating Subway though ahaha. Well, they do have Subways in China.

8-10pm "gospel night" with CCM. I put it in quotes because there wasn't really all that much gospel involved. I was more of an evolution vs. creation/intelligent design lecture. The professor from UK was very knowledgeable and scientific with his points. It wasn't really a friendly lecture to non-science majors though; I wasn't even sure if I could keep up if I weren't taking biochemistry this quarter.

10.30-11.30pm racquetball! This marks the first time I've played racquetball, which is surprisingly similar to tennis (and therefore relatively easy for me to learn). I takes a lot more running and reflexes though. Ah, so fun and tiring. Makes me really really miss playing tennis.

Well, that's it for now.

roommate squabbles

So,

I'm going to keep writing on this blog as if nobody else is reading it (even though I know at least three people know of its existence).

Today, I learned a valuable lessen I highly doubt I'll forget anytime soon.

I've known for a while now that I'm afflicted with the sin of pride. I think I do a good job of hiding it with most people, but anyone that's been with me long enough is bound to sense it sometime or another. It's a terrible trait that I have to keep in check; when I let my guard down, it can often be quite destructive.

Dinner was a disaster. It's rather unfortunate that we'd have guests over to witness my first quarrel with my roommate. He got angry at me for being a bit retarded over the preparation of dinner and I just removed myself from the kitchen while I pouted. Yes, I put up a front in front of our guests to make everything seem okay, but in my heart I was actually rather bitter. I mean, it's not my fault he has a temper.

Sometimes though, it's not about who's fault it is. In fact, it's rarely a matter of fault - pointing fingers only make things more complicated (like in the case of countries). I often find the sin of pride manifesting itself in me whenever I perform something I think I'm knowledgeable in, and in this case: cooking. Retrospectively, I did realize that I had very poor communication and lack of cooking knowledge - but at the time, I simply thought, hey, I cook and clean for this apartment everyday, and I haven't managed to make anything inedible yet.

But during large group, I reflected on my actions. It's not so much about the actual cooking as the attitude I put forth, and that's something I'm not particularly proud of. The same type of pride was present back in high school when I was on a guitar high, when I slowly began to realize my [not quite the word I'm looking for, but I'll use it anyway] superiority complex, an attitude I took on when I saw the technical skills of another player inferior to my own. Nowadays, I seek to develop a heart of worship rather than an arsenal of guitar tricks and skills, and you will almost never find me playing a lone performance, but usually in a spontaneous group jamming session.

Still, I hate apologizing. Since my high school years, I've continually justified blaming others to avoid the oh so dreaded apology. And in this way, I've manage to really piss people off. I guess in some ways it's just that I've had done so much apologizing in my life that it's often difficult to garner a sincere and genuine apology. It's so much easier to just argue and leave. People hate me for that, and I hate myself for that. But relying on pride leaves you with bitterness, and I can't afford to sacrifice my friendships just to fuel my pride.

And all throughout large group, I was very distracted by these thoughts, so much so that I (regretfully) didn't pay much attention to the message given. I knew I had to apologize as soon as possible, and I had every intention to do that (even though I'm very good at acting as though nothing ever happened, which I usually do when I can't willfully justify an apology). I contemplated and formulated exactly where and when I would do this, as I usually do as an intrinsic J. My roommate, however, beat me to the punch by apologizing first, and now we're close again.

I gotta say, I'm incredibly blessed to be able to have a roommate that would care more about his friendships than his pride. I've heard a million bad roommate stories, and my roommate and I have rarely had any problems. We managed to overcome our first "fight" (if you can really call it that). And you know what, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger (well, I guess not cancer).

I got the feeling that my roommate and I will remain good friends even long after graduation.

typical day

Ah, a typical tiring day of classes.

11am-12.30pm organic chemistry -- yay I received my much anticipated midterm back! It's slightly lower than I hoped for, but still good nonetheless. A 59/80 (according to the rumors) puts me at one standard deviation above the class. Of course, compared to my roommate who almost seized the top score, my grade is hardly a reason to celebrate.

1-4pm global health -- seems like a waste of time due to my inability to stay focus and attentive. I'm starting to feel just a bit more confident in my place among my group which has been very disconnected. My contact with one of my group members seems to be alright now (I still haven't spoken directly to the other member in the five weeks of the quarter). Our presentation is in exactly a week, so we really need to get on top of it. Unfortunately, the time we're set to meet conflicts with a peace corps session that I only found out afterwards, and I'm not sure if I can (or have the will power to) change the meeting time.

5.30-6.30pm dinner -- healthiest dinner made this year. I decided to eat very simple: chicken, 2:1 brown/white rice, and salad. Yum.

8-9:30pm homegroup core meeting. Besides the usual logistics, I found it particularly interesting that homegroup would propose a regular homeless ministry. Yesterday, four core members went to the event, and I believe each were touched by the friends out there like I was last quarter. Of course, their proposal will probably actually unfold as a regular event for Soli Deo - unlike when I made out that proposal last quarter. The fact of the matter is that people don't realize just how fun and encouraging it is to go out there; most only hear and give sympathy to the people in the streets, but in reality are probably too scared or apathetic to the idea. It's only when they go out there in person that they truly want to take the time to listen to their stories and truly care for them. That can only happen when groups put up outreach events like this. I highly doubt anyone would think to just do it with no prior experience. Nevertheless, the core that went yesterday spoke about how blessed they were by the homeless there and by how much we have to give rather than spend on ourselves on little commodities like food (again, all of which I've come to realize in the previous quarter).

Oh, the second interesting subject would be Jared's 5D camera that I never noticed until today. That sparked a conversation pointing to YY and his intent on also getting a DSLR. One thing I know about YY is that he is quite an impulsive buyer, and he will very likely end up buying a very expensive camera. He's currently looking at the rebel T2i (which I wouldn't recommend) and the whopping 5D! Yeah, maybe he's found an excellent deal, but for a starter camera, that's a huge hole in the pocket and a risk I wouldn't take. One of the biggest things I've learned this year about photography is that good cameras do not equate to good pictures. Great photographers are artists. People with good cameras are simply collectors. They don't always correlate, and it would be a huge shame to invest so much money into something that doesn't last long term.

homeless ministry and police citations

I'm going to attempt to update my blog daily so that I can get used to writing again. Most days' posts will probably be short and boring, but this should help me to evaluate my day-to-day activities and get me back into the blogging mood. Oh, and I'll start using capital letters to make it a bit more formal (no change for grammar or sentence structure just yet).

Today's post, unfortunately, does have an interesting twist.

My classes started at 8am with organic chemistry.

My classes ended at 10am with metabolic biochemistry.

I baked bacon macaroni and cheese at 12pm.

I ate bacon macaroni and cheese at 2pm.

I studied at the library from 2.30pm-5.30pm with a huge nap in between.

So much for the boring stuff.

6.30pm was homeless ministry with PULSE. I was rather excited to go visit the homeless, especially with a few extra people from my homegroup. Strangely enough, I noticed that God likes to complicate my life in a millions of ways while I'm here on the UCSD campus, and today was no exception.

The first thing I notice is that I lost all the connection I had at PULSE. Why? I don't know, but surely enough I've now become a stranger here. Things don't get better out on the streets either; I've lost the ability to speak anything meaningful to the homeless and they notice. I'm rather unsure as to why my public speaking has diminished so much in the past year that it's now become a full-blown phobia.

And so, the whole time I was out there, I was rather distracted. I was not able to put myself forward, but played a rather insignificant supporting role here. Ashley was on the brink of shedding tears of joy listening to one guy speak; I, on the other hand, felt nothing of it. It's not that Ashley is too emotional, it's that I'm too emotionless. His stories are quite inspiring indeed, but I felt nothing. I'm not trying to be heartless; I'm sympathetic to each of their individual situations, but alas, I feel nothing.

That's one reason why people hate talking to me. Cause they realize that they're talking to the surface level me who pretends to care. Unfortunately, they're usually spot on even if they don't consciously think about it--they see the me I strive to be and not the real me who's frightfully insensitive. There's no true passion in me for anything; it's not my nature. Perhaps I should retrieve my previously discarded dream to be extraordinarily ordinary. To always aim for the minimum. To stay in the shadows. To dream to not dream.

Sigh. That's a depressing thought.

On the trip back to UCSD, an even more frightening event would occur: our car would get pulled over by the police! Now, I've never been in any car that has been pulled over by a police car, and really, really freaked me out. My driver's citation would be not only for speeding, but also for my apparently incredibly indiscrete attempt to put on my seat belt. At least that's what I think: if I hadn't tried to put on my seat belt, he might not have noticed. And so, now I have an incredible guilt looming over my head for causing an extra $142 the driver probably didn't have to pay. As of now, I plan to contribute to the cost of the ticket next time I see her. That won't alleviate the guilt, but I 'spose it'll help to lessen the burden. Sigh... police are really such jerks. I don't respect them at all.

A while ago, I postulated a theory that non-academic bad luck will follow me wherever I go as long as I'm here at UCSD. I honestly don't know why; I'd like to find out for myself. But strangely, bad things most good students don't experience have been happening to me on a regular basis since I entered here. Here's a few I can list off the top of my head: academic misconduct in which case someone copied off my lab report, properly locked bicycle gets stolen in daylight during class, copyright violation caused by torrenting through vpn which I didn't do, and most recently getting jury duty on a day with a midterm here in san diego due to voting last year. And now, I suffer the guilt of not wearing a seat belt.

Looking back at my old posts, my very first one goes like this:

"my goal this year: having faith to pray dangerous prayers."

In all honesty, I still want it... but I'm really afraid.

dropping classes

this quarter has been full of epic fail, one of the worst in all of college.

i've never wanted to quit so much before, but i have to keep looking forward--or everything that i've worked so hard for will crumble and vanish. i can't afford to let that happen.

to offset my ever-growing anxieties, i've decided to cut everything down to the absolute minimum operation, from my previous five class (two class buffer) schedule to my now current three class (no class buffer) schedule. perhaps it's for the best that i shift my short term academic goals into long term ones--i was feeling way too ambitious at the conclusion of fall quarter. this will now (theoretically) be my easiest quarter, with a mere three classes and no work. for now, i'll work on recovering from all the craziness i've had to endure from the past three weeks.

sighs. i will be living at the library for the next two days.

curve balls

it's strange that as i get more fixated on school,

i get more and more curve balls thrown at my face.

yeah, i get it already. i'm not cut out for the academic life.

i'm not a knowledge seeker; rather i'm one who endures hardships and suffering--

a masochist who works to make my own life as miserable as possible.

and yet, i've managed to deceive myself for so many years that this is what i'm cut out for,

by claiming a talent in the world of academia. no, all i've done is live an impossible dream,

an elaborate lie for self-worth.

i have no talent in academics.

anyone can study well and achieve what i have if they understand the proper procedures.

no, the people with real talent are those who have the passion and understanding.

piano? sure, i can play it. anyone can play it with practice.

but to be a musician, one needs to have zeal. to be daringly emotional. to produce life.

sighs.

i have no determination left.

i give up on school.

school sucks

i wrote something nice earlier during the week,

but it took so long to write that frankly it doesn't accurately convey my feelings anymore.

sighs.

this quarter is seriously so frustrating.

biochem is destroying me so.

God, just let this quarter end. please.

depression

i've been feeling so depressed lately, and i just don't know why.

sighs.

my life sucks.

frustrated

arghhh life has me so frustrated.

so unbelievably frustrated.