curve balls

it's strange that as i get more fixated on school,

i get more and more curve balls thrown at my face.

yeah, i get it already. i'm not cut out for the academic life.

i'm not a knowledge seeker; rather i'm one who endures hardships and suffering--

a masochist who works to make my own life as miserable as possible.

and yet, i've managed to deceive myself for so many years that this is what i'm cut out for,

by claiming a talent in the world of academia. no, all i've done is live an impossible dream,

an elaborate lie for self-worth.

i have no talent in academics.

anyone can study well and achieve what i have if they understand the proper procedures.

no, the people with real talent are those who have the passion and understanding.

piano? sure, i can play it. anyone can play it with practice.

but to be a musician, one needs to have zeal. to be daringly emotional. to produce life.

sighs.

i have no determination left.

i give up on school.