suspension

The title of my post is suspension. You know, the chemistry term used to describe a heterogenous mixture of dispersed insoluble particles in a liquid (ie. milk). That's the state of mind I'm feeling like right now: neither settling nor dissolving.

For the past several months, I've been depressed, ranging day-to-day from mild to extremely severe. My mood swings are wild -- I could be happy one moment, and two minutes later extremely bitter. I would say this ranks up as one of the most (if not the most) challenging times of my life. For the first time ever, I am unable to control my emotions, and in my frustration, I lash out to the people seemingly closest to me. I can't bear the sight of certain people; even thinking about them will make me sick.

I don't think I'm the type of person to rank people, and I've been thinking about that a lot recently. In the past, my mentality was in line with my ideology: I want to give everyone a chance, invite everyone to every event, treat everyone fairly and equally -- because I know how it feels to be left out. Nowadays I've done a complete 180 degree turn: I only want to stay around people I like and push out everyone else. Whenever I end up compromising on what I really want to do, I end up making myself miserable.

How could I have changed so much in such a short amount of time? I've become the type of person I bitterly loathe: selfish, obsessive, passive-aggressive, jealous, and entirely unconfident. I struggle every day secretly hoping to get closer to someone and getting depressed or angry when I don't.

As much as I want to believe I'm beginning to get better, my life thus far has been a turbulent mess. I don't know how I can deal with all these emotions; I think I must be going insane. Hey world, what am I supposed to do?