I just wanted to say.. I'm jealous of people who have passion.
Despite whether they succeed or not.
Despite how ridiculous it might be to have dreams.
People that know what they love to do, and do what they love, those are the people I admire the most.
My wild expedition to Hong Kong begins in three days. Shall I start a new travel blog, and take you with me on this magnificent journey?
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
confidence issues
Well, blogging every week didn't work.. back to once a month. Or rather just whenever I feel like it. (I'll definitely pick up once school ends!)
Last month's post was a truly sincere and profound post, where I came to terms with where I am with life and the direction I'm taking. It's felt like a huge burden has been lifted, knowing that the pressure of success is not as important to my future aspirations as I had perceived it to be in the past two years.
I'm also starting to understand that I have huge confidence issues. For the past year and a half, I've periodically felt depressed at my utter uselessness and inability to succeed. On Saturday, my sister really kicked me hard to pursue an internship; she helped me to realize just how poor of a job I was doing. I'm pretty envious of her ability to win at life, and I really do think it has to do with attitude. Then, yesterday I met up with Jason at his apartment for the first time in years and learned about his passions in life (which are surprisingly similar to mine). The big difference though is that he seems to have the will to succeed it--I can really picture him going out into the world and making a difference.
I guess what it comes down to is desperation and motivation. I can't let my insecurities get in the way of my aspirations; I just need to go out and do it, no matter what others think of me. I simply won't allow myself to get stuck and backslide rather than move forward.
Last month's post was a truly sincere and profound post, where I came to terms with where I am with life and the direction I'm taking. It's felt like a huge burden has been lifted, knowing that the pressure of success is not as important to my future aspirations as I had perceived it to be in the past two years.
I'm also starting to understand that I have huge confidence issues. For the past year and a half, I've periodically felt depressed at my utter uselessness and inability to succeed. On Saturday, my sister really kicked me hard to pursue an internship; she helped me to realize just how poor of a job I was doing. I'm pretty envious of her ability to win at life, and I really do think it has to do with attitude. Then, yesterday I met up with Jason at his apartment for the first time in years and learned about his passions in life (which are surprisingly similar to mine). The big difference though is that he seems to have the will to succeed it--I can really picture him going out into the world and making a difference.
I guess what it comes down to is desperation and motivation. I can't let my insecurities get in the way of my aspirations; I just need to go out and do it, no matter what others think of me. I simply won't allow myself to get stuck and backslide rather than move forward.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
deep thinking: insecurities
So I came here today because I read this article: http://99u.com/articles/6947/What-Happened-to-Downtime-The-Extinction-of-Deep-Thinking-Sacred-Space
I've thought about making some thinking time for myself for a while now, but because I've been so busy I've never gotten around to it (ironic right?). I'm not sure what I want to accomplish, but organizing my thoughts and updating this blog regularly does seem like a good idea. I guess today's a good day to start, even in the midst of some crazy project coding I've ever done in my short life.
Actually, before I start, I want to remind myself that it's not simply me-time that I want to strive for, but me AND God time. Well, here it goes...
Lately, I've been very frustrated and feeling insecure about my future as a software engineer. As a senior, I'm starting to see everyone around get full-time internships and jobs, and despite attending all the career fairs, I've received zero interviews this year. I'm really feel the pressure now because everyone (including my parents) is always telling me, "you're a Berkeley CS major, it's easy to get a job!" Well, bad news is I'm nowhere near getting a job... not even a measly internship. What does that have to say about my position and competency as a near college graduate?
It hurts because now that I'm here, I've come to understand just how good other people are at computer science, and just how bad I am. It's depressing because I feel my very own uselessness whenever I have to work with other people. I don't know how to talk to professors and recruiters, I have no passion for the subjects I'm learning, I see my GPA dropping semester after semester.
Computer science is really hard. It's so difficult to manage that it interferes with my everyday activities, ranging from archery to cooking, sleeping to alone time with God. It's got me wondering, if I'm so bad at CS, why am I even doing it in the first place? Everytime I think about this question, I seem to make up a new, different answer, the true purpose seemed to have changed vastly from when I first started.
One of the reasons was so that I could secure a job. But then what? I don't want to sit in the cubicle for the rest of my life, forgoing all the hopes and aspirations I've established long ago. Maybe my job can be temporary: work for a few years, and when I have enough money, start traveling and finding a new, better occupation. But when is enough money enough? As I grow older, I have become much more demanding (with expensive hobbies as archery), how much worse will it be when I will want a car or maybe even a house? Money can't make me happy, but everyone needs money to live. Where can I find my balance?
Over the years, I've began to wonder if I'm doing the Berkeley CS degree for my pride. At UCSD, I did biology--for what other bigger reason than because they're renown for it? Though I hate to admit it, I know that I've let my pride get in my way in the past, and I truly hope I'm not paying the price now because I want to pretend to be someone I'm not.
The biggest issue I'm struggling with now is that I never asked God if it was His will for me to choose computer science. Since arriving at Berkeley, I've been relying so much on myself and my friends, looking at the world from my acute perspective of the future rather than the grand scheme God has planned for me. Rarely had I ever asked myself, how can I use computer science to glorify God? What are the implications for going down this road; is it a dead end? I want to see farther ahead, for what I am able to do for the wider, unprivileged people out there who face oppression every day--not for the me who wants to live an uninspiring life of comfort and security.
After compiling and writing down all my thoughts, I see now that I must have chosen computer science for myself and my expectations. Everything I'm doing now is done because it's expected of me. But the me I'm becoming and the me I want to become are worlds apart. This is not the hero's mentality. This is not the path I was meant to tread on. But you know... God uses people's mistakes and often strengthens them through rituals as these. Yes, taking up computer science seemed to have led me far away from my original aspirations, and yet, perhaps God isn't done yet. In the midst of my insecurities, I'm learning to trust in Him.
Where will it lead me? Where do I go from here?
I've thought about making some thinking time for myself for a while now, but because I've been so busy I've never gotten around to it (ironic right?). I'm not sure what I want to accomplish, but organizing my thoughts and updating this blog regularly does seem like a good idea. I guess today's a good day to start, even in the midst of some crazy project coding I've ever done in my short life.
Actually, before I start, I want to remind myself that it's not simply me-time that I want to strive for, but me AND God time. Well, here it goes...
Lately, I've been very frustrated and feeling insecure about my future as a software engineer. As a senior, I'm starting to see everyone around get full-time internships and jobs, and despite attending all the career fairs, I've received zero interviews this year. I'm really feel the pressure now because everyone (including my parents) is always telling me, "you're a Berkeley CS major, it's easy to get a job!" Well, bad news is I'm nowhere near getting a job... not even a measly internship. What does that have to say about my position and competency as a near college graduate?
It hurts because now that I'm here, I've come to understand just how good other people are at computer science, and just how bad I am. It's depressing because I feel my very own uselessness whenever I have to work with other people. I don't know how to talk to professors and recruiters, I have no passion for the subjects I'm learning, I see my GPA dropping semester after semester.
Computer science is really hard. It's so difficult to manage that it interferes with my everyday activities, ranging from archery to cooking, sleeping to alone time with God. It's got me wondering, if I'm so bad at CS, why am I even doing it in the first place? Everytime I think about this question, I seem to make up a new, different answer, the true purpose seemed to have changed vastly from when I first started.
One of the reasons was so that I could secure a job. But then what? I don't want to sit in the cubicle for the rest of my life, forgoing all the hopes and aspirations I've established long ago. Maybe my job can be temporary: work for a few years, and when I have enough money, start traveling and finding a new, better occupation. But when is enough money enough? As I grow older, I have become much more demanding (with expensive hobbies as archery), how much worse will it be when I will want a car or maybe even a house? Money can't make me happy, but everyone needs money to live. Where can I find my balance?
Over the years, I've began to wonder if I'm doing the Berkeley CS degree for my pride. At UCSD, I did biology--for what other bigger reason than because they're renown for it? Though I hate to admit it, I know that I've let my pride get in my way in the past, and I truly hope I'm not paying the price now because I want to pretend to be someone I'm not.
The biggest issue I'm struggling with now is that I never asked God if it was His will for me to choose computer science. Since arriving at Berkeley, I've been relying so much on myself and my friends, looking at the world from my acute perspective of the future rather than the grand scheme God has planned for me. Rarely had I ever asked myself, how can I use computer science to glorify God? What are the implications for going down this road; is it a dead end? I want to see farther ahead, for what I am able to do for the wider, unprivileged people out there who face oppression every day--not for the me who wants to live an uninspiring life of comfort and security.
After compiling and writing down all my thoughts, I see now that I must have chosen computer science for myself and my expectations. Everything I'm doing now is done because it's expected of me. But the me I'm becoming and the me I want to become are worlds apart. This is not the hero's mentality. This is not the path I was meant to tread on. But you know... God uses people's mistakes and often strengthens them through rituals as these. Yes, taking up computer science seemed to have led me far away from my original aspirations, and yet, perhaps God isn't done yet. In the midst of my insecurities, I'm learning to trust in Him.
Where will it lead me? Where do I go from here?
Saturday, December 29, 2012
spur to action
The semester has ended!
... and so has Christmas..
Wow, time moves by so quickly, but I guess that's because I'm either really busy or wasting time..
And when it comes time to actually do something, I just can't do it because I'm so terribly lazy..
I feel like all I ever do nowadays is complain about my life. Welps, time to whip myself into shape! Gotta make the most of my free time!
... and so has Christmas..
Wow, time moves by so quickly, but I guess that's because I'm either really busy or wasting time..
And when it comes time to actually do something, I just can't do it because I'm so terribly lazy..
I feel like all I ever do nowadays is complain about my life. Welps, time to whip myself into shape! Gotta make the most of my free time!
Monday, November 19, 2012
our God's alive
Only two and a half hours until my CS188 midterm! AHHH so stressed!
... but surprisingly, amidst my frantic last-moment studying, I find myself thinking about my relationship with God, and about how He has remained so good to a sinner like me. And because of that, I can be hopeful even in times of distress, because He is bigger than my failures!
Rise with a shout,
Cry out, our God's alive!
Rise Holy Fire,
Burn bright, burn bright!
Rise with a shout,
Cry out for freedom!
Rise church arise,
Our God's alive!
He alone can save us,
He will not forsake us
He remains forever, our Savior!
See Him reign in power,
Stronger than our failures
Always and forever, our Savior!
... but surprisingly, amidst my frantic last-moment studying, I find myself thinking about my relationship with God, and about how He has remained so good to a sinner like me. And because of that, I can be hopeful even in times of distress, because He is bigger than my failures!
Rise with a shout,
Cry out, our God's alive!
Rise Holy Fire,
Burn bright, burn bright!
Rise with a shout,
Cry out for freedom!
Rise church arise,
Our God's alive!
He alone can save us,
He will not forsake us
He remains forever, our Savior!
See Him reign in power,
Stronger than our failures
Always and forever, our Savior!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
study abroad... again?
As a follow up to the previous post, I have really great news!
Sure it's a bummer to find out I can't graduate on time, but to make the most of my extra time as a student, I've decided to pursue study abroad! Yay for the revival of a long-abandoned dream!
Since I'm forced to take a upper division computer science class while I'm there, the most likely candidates are HKU and HKUST. Yeah yeah so excited! 2013 let's go!
You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
Sure it's a bummer to find out I can't graduate on time, but to make the most of my extra time as a student, I've decided to pursue study abroad! Yay for the revival of a long-abandoned dream!
Since I'm forced to take a upper division computer science class while I'm there, the most likely candidates are HKU and HKUST. Yeah yeah so excited! 2013 let's go!
You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
last year?
Can't believe it's already October! Life is moving forward at an insane pace.
My first wave of midterms came and went like a typhoon. As for how I did, you could say that I'm desperately hanging onto a broken plank of my ruined boat. Disappointing, yes. But what can I say? Life moves on...
My LSCS adviser today told me some distressing news that will very likely change the course of my final year here at Berkeley. Well, actually it just might well not be my final year here: I have an extra technical elective more to fulfill than I originally anticipated. So, unless I plan to live in misery for the entirety of my spring semester, I will probably take an extra semester. I've also been extremely lazy with the petitioning process for American Cultures; I need to get rid of that as quickly as possible. OS, security, what else?
My first wave of midterms came and went like a typhoon. As for how I did, you could say that I'm desperately hanging onto a broken plank of my ruined boat. Disappointing, yes. But what can I say? Life moves on...
My LSCS adviser today told me some distressing news that will very likely change the course of my final year here at Berkeley. Well, actually it just might well not be my final year here: I have an extra technical elective more to fulfill than I originally anticipated. So, unless I plan to live in misery for the entirety of my spring semester, I will probably take an extra semester. I've also been extremely lazy with the petitioning process for American Cultures; I need to get rid of that as quickly as possible. OS, security, what else?
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