moving on

Made a new Facebook note on Laurice today. Made me realize that life is short. So very short.

In other news, I passed the first round for GSP nomination! UC Berkeley has elected me, which probably puts my chances of getting into the program at about 60% maybe? Now I just need to hear back from Todai and FOT scholarship. I hope I get to go!

Life is moving on.

pivotal moments

Yesterday was one of the biggest shockers of my life. Maybe even the biggest. I might even dare to say that the midterm was pivotal to my academic career.

I have never done so badly on a single midterm in my life. The last time I screwed up this badly was when I overslept and almost failed my AIDS Science and Society midterm two years ago. This time, I know I failed. Walking into that midterm and seeing how everyone had their study notes neatly diagramming every disease lectured just affirmed what I already knew: SCREWED. Now I'm just wondering what kind of F I received.

But you know what. I used up the large majority of my panic before the midterm; by the time it was over I had already come to terms with my failure. For some reason, I never seem to learn my lesson until God puts a failure in my life. I want everything, but He closes the doors and leaves me with one thing.

So what I've decided is this: I'm changing MCB C103 to P/NP. In reality, this isn't a huge setback. I could continue on with my plans for double major still. But I believe that God purposely placed this event into my life to put it back on His path. I hate MCB; I can hardly see how it would be useful to my future career. The more I'm here, the less I understand why I chose biology in the first place. The secondary degree is really an issue of pride, which I've known for a really long time. I hate to relinquish it, just like how I hate to relinquish sin. But God understands the complexity of me much more than I know, and he knows which path is right for me.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have to always think positively. God has consistently turned my failures into victories, and I'll trust that His plans are greater than mine. He gives and takes away -- but when He gives too much, I become prideful and selfish, forgetting to remember that every day I'm here is because of His grace.

The irony is this: lose a class, gain a semester. Because I'm failing a class, I'm graduating on time.

updates

I really need to update my blog more often.

I'm having a little breather right now, but soon work will start piling up again. At least I've accomplished something noteworthy in the last week: an above average CS61C exam (big accomplishment!) and a completed IARU Tokyo University study abroad application and scholarship. I really hope I get it!

Heh heh. And Spring break is coming up soon. And so is another archery tournament, CCC. Get to do some long distance shooting. I haven't been this happy in a while.

:D

crises

i'm beginning to go through strange stages of crises and self-doubt again. it must be that weird time of the year where i tend to think too much. whelps, i guess i might start putting more short rants up from now on.

post-finals

the last few weeks have been completely miserable and downright depressing with the onslaught of finals and grades not going where they should be going. but life isn't so unforgiving that my struggles will be in vain.

once upon a time, i realized the power of prayer in helping me find purpose and direction, and only through prayer was i able to succeed in academics. it's not that i've forgotten this crucial fact. it's just been at the back of my mind. when life is going in a direction i want it to go, i feel accomplished that i have done something right by my own hands. but God is constantly telling me otherwise; He is the One who is in control of everything. and so when my life began to spiral out of control, He showed me who is really behind the steering wheel.

and so this semester, i've once again foolishly and selfishly asked for better grades, so as to prove my worth. i had the wrong heart, and God saw right through that and put me in my place. and even after that, He was still so merciful and blessed me so abundantly. my grades are not entirely awful this semester. not particularly good in any way, but still better than what i had been brooding over since taking the final exams.

ptL.

november is here

it's november! one of my favorite months of the year!

eheheh..

also, recently i've been very excited about archery club because i'm starting to finally show improvement! i think one of the things i love about archery is that dedication surely pays off. it takes very little natural skill and much more listening, learning, and practicing.

originally, i thought i would just do archery for fun as a college hobby, since i'm already a bit too old for competition. my reasoning is that most people would have one year to learn and three years to improve through competition (but alas for a transfer like me, it's too late to become team-worthy). but after yesterday, seeing as i managed to score rather high pretty consistently, i'm beginning too reconsider.

archery is such a great destresser. it livens up my spirit after a long day of classes and gives me energy. last friday and this monday were particularly good because i got to meet and mingle with team members, who are all very nice, but until now, always distanced. and with the smaller, tighter group of ascent people, we're beginning close the gap and show that we can have fun too!

when i first began shooting arrows at the archery club, i did it because archery was so fun. everyone was very shy, timid, introverted -- but i didn't care. i just wanted to shoot some arrows and get better. it's hard to believe that now i have a few friends within the club, and i'm starting to get to know the team members as well. it's even harder to believe that i'm now even beginning to consider investing on my own bow and arrows and participating in tournaments.

ah, what a lively college life i'm having. if only academics were going well too..

depressed

i didn't realize how quickly i'm able to lose spirit. one bad midterm and i'm brooding for hours.

and then i realized how much God wanted me to talk to Him. how much He wanted me to know that He was in control, not me.

i've become spoiled. i've been blessed with a string of good grades, but it's hardly because i'm smart. i've been tricked into thinking that i'm good. but no. God is good.

for the first time in college, i've received an irredeemable midterm below a full standard deviation. i'm starting to realize, for the millionth time, how much i need to pray. none of this is by my power, but a gift from the almighty God. my GPA is not mine, but His.

berkeley, you may be able to put me down, but my God is greater.